Well, I've been doing a lot better with pushing myself to get out and do things that really make me anxious. I've been going to the store, even though I have to use a wheelchair, I'm doing it! If  I walk around it makes me panic so sitting done in a wheelchair makes it to where I can actually stay in the store. But it seems with pushing  myself to do things that make me anxious it's making my anxiety worse. But I know that it's all worth it because soon I will be able to go to the store without the wheelchair and walk around without being anxious. The key is not to give up when it gets hard. Just push through the fear and you will make it through to the other side. It's worth it! Don't get sucked back into your old ways of not following through, because you'll be too anxious. Do it because you know where it's gonna get you in the long run...you will be one step closer to getting your life back.

I've been doing okay with my anxiety. Still struggling with being in public places and around large crowds. I need to push myself a little harder, I've been slacking. I've realized that this change is not going to happen over night it's going to be gradual and I will probably have to fight it for the rest of my life. But I am going to do it, with God's help!

I've been kind of busy over the past few weeks. Just spending time with my family. It's been so great! I've been tackling a lot of the things that make me anxious. I went inside a convenience store and I even stayed in there for about 5 min. Yay! I did it! I've went to the beach and the park about 4-6 times in the past couple of weeks. I even drove there. I have had some minor anxiety, but nothing I couldn't handle. It's been so freeing to face my fears! I have really enjoyed myself the past couple of weeks! I am the happiest I have been in a long time! Thank you God for giving me the strength and courage to move forward even when it's difficult. I ask you to continue to move in my life Thank you, Amen!

On December 26th a friend of 12 years passed away. I guess I haven't written because I don't like to face reality. And I knew I'd have to talk about her passing and I'd rather not think about her not being here anymore. Death to me is the scariest thing! It's the unknown. When someone passes, it makes me think about my mortality. When am I going to die? How am I going to die? Will I die young or old. Will I die all by myself or with my loved ones around? I am scared to die I guess because I am afraid that I won't go to heaven. I know that I am a good person, but does that mean you will go to heaven? I make wrong choices everyday! I love God and try to do my best to follow him, but a lot of the time, I feel like I fall short of what I think he expects of us. I feel like you have to be perfect to make it to heaven. But who is perfect? These are the crazy obsessive thoughts that run through my head. I really feel like I am going through a life change. After my friends passing, my anxiety got kind of bad. I guess because of my fear of death. I not only fear my death, but the death of others. I am a very visual person. So when I was told how my friend passed I replayed it over and over in my head visually. Why I do that I have no idea. But when I did that it made me more and more anxious! Then after about a month of being depressed and withdrawn. I realized that I was allowing this anxiety to grip my life again. I refuse to go back to the dark pit I was in before. So in the past month, things have started looking up, as far as my anxiety goes. Not saying that I haven't had some minor set backs. To me it's about taking one step at a time. Don't try to rush it! In my experience it becomes overwhelming.So I choose to try my best everyday to get better. I have been going to the park and I even walked around a lake the other day. Which did make me a little anxious and I had to sit down for a second and calm my nerves. But you know what? I did it, I didn't let it defeat me! And just walk frantically out of the park. No! I calmed my nerves and proceeded on! I overcame it! I have even been going over to my boyfriends parents house almost every day. So...I may not be where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be! Thank you God, for your strength!.........Jesus says "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Hebrews 4:14-16) Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. {15} For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. {16} Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Dec. 21, 2010

This weekend was great! I got to spend the weekend with family that I don't get to see very often. But what I most liked was spending time with my aunt! She has anxiety too and it felt really good to be able to talk to someone that could relate to me. I had a little trouble with my anxiety because new things and change trigger my anxiety, but I made it through! Thank you, Jesus! Today was a milestone, because I went to my friends house. I haven't been there in about six months. I was a little anxious, but I did it! Thank you, Lord! I am def. moving in the right direction, with the Lord's help. I am having a little problem with someone. So I would appreciate it if you could keep me in your prayers. That the Lord will help me to work through this between me and the Lord. And not blow up! Thank you! I hope you all have a blessed night.

A poem my aunt wrote.

Anxiety
Anxiety is one of satan tools...
He uses them to keep you fooled.
Satan puts your heart in fear...
Jesus gives you all your gear.
Satan wants you to be afraid...
Jesus gives you llife that's been paid.
Satan wants your nerves on end...
Jesus wants us all to mend.
Satan wants to keep you bound...
Jesus wants you to be sound.
Satan wants your life a mess...
Jesus wants you at your best.
Anxiety is satan's trap...
he wants to keep you where your at.
Anxiety will cripple you...
it will keep you from what you need to do.
Turn your eyes on Jesus now...
and you'll no longer have to bow.
To satan's lies and tricks he pulls...
Jesus don't want you to be fooled.
Read your bible every day...
Jesus will make a way.
Pray to Him with all your heart...
Jesus will never ever part.
Pray-Seek-Ask-and Read...
Jesus will provide your every need.
Now don't let anxiety get you down...
All it does is make you frown.
Jesus wants the best for you...
Trust Him, you'll make it through.
By:Bonnie Schaefer

Dec. 9, 2010

I am really proud of myself. I know it may seem small to some, but to me it's major. For the past three days or so, I have been getting out of my car to rent and return movies to Redbox. I even went inside and paid for a pumped my own gas. Like a said before it may seem small, but before I couldn't do it. I panicked when I went into the store, but the point is that I did it! Thank you Lord for your strength!